Frank is at the job every day all day. Suzy is complaining that he is not present enough. Suzy is busy taking care of the children and Jim is complaining that she does not pay enough attention to him. So, how do you save a relationship like this? Here is how I would get started.
First, you must decide whether the relationship is worth saving. While almost every relationship can be saved with hard work, both parties must decide that they want to make it work. Because if a partner has opted out and doesn?t want to opt back in, there is little that can be done.
Many people stay in a relationship because it is convenient or remain in a marriage because of the children. But that is not enough. How to save a relationship starts with a commitment by both parties that the relationship is worth saving.
The next step is to find the problem. It is not always what you think it is. We are often distracted by symptoms.
For instance, many people think an affair is a problem that causes break ups. In truth, the affair is a symptom of a deeper problem. For instance, a lack of true intimacy can lead to a straying spouse. While most people look at the affair as the problem, the underlying cause of the affair was the lack of intimacy in the primary relationship. If you do not deal with the lack of intimacy, you might be able to keep another affair from starting through the use of guilt, but another problem (for instance pornography) could pop up because you haven?t dealt with the core issue.
When you start to deal with core issues rather than symptoms, you can save the relationship.
Once you have identified your problems, you can start discussing them. This is the hard part. But it is also where most of the healing will take place. It is easy to become offended at what your partner might say. You will find that you are going to have to make some changes that are not easy. Likewise, knowing that some of what you will say will be difficult for your partner, try to deliver your words in a kind way.
Once you have detailed the problems in your relationship, create an action plan to solve them. Then, take concrete steps on your action plan. If you don?t spend time together like you used to, plan a date night every week. Take turns coming up with creative ways to spend an evening together each Wednesday. If not communicating is the problem, commit to spending 20 minutes before going to bed just talking to one another. And, then do it.
Do not fool yourself into thinking that there will be an end to this process of solving problems. Plan on this going on for the rest of your lives. Successful relationships are always going through the process of identifying problems and then solving them. The cycle will likely never end.
I wish you the best of luck as you save your relationship.
